In this pic, you are barely even 2 and soon, in just a few hours you are embarking on a whole new journey all grown up and ready to start school tommorow.Hard to believe that you will be starting school at the tender age of just 4! ( This is me wishing you a fantastic first day !!!!!!!!!)
You are leaving home in just a few hours. I keep repeating that statement over and over in my mind, trying to understand what it means. I have had a good 4 years now to prepare for this, sometimes wanting it to come quickly and sometimes hoping this day would never come. Most of the time though, I have been preparing myself and preparing you, by madly gathering life’s questions and answers in the hope that I
haven’t forgotten anything. I keep revising the list inside my head; checking off
all the things I know I’ve already told you – so many times.
As tempting as it is to slip a few of the big ones into a casual conversation I
correct myself and let it go. An image of your face appears before me and I see
your eyes look upward and your mouth tighten with that expression of yours that
we both know so well. “Mum I know – you have told me a hundred times
already.”
Well, you know me well enough to expect a letter tucked away in your luggage
with just a couple of pages of instructions about ‘keeping yourself safe and
healthy’. You might even expect to find a special little treat to keep you
going. And lots of XXX’s scribbled on a note like noisy kisses on your bare belly.
Protecting you and preparing you has been such a big part of who I am – it’s
hard to redefine myself and accept that my job is almost done.Time is just going so fast you keep growing and growing,,,
I remind myself that this is about you, but as usual, here I am making it about me
again. Slightly neurotic, I find myself wanting to explain or apologize or gain
some kind of absolution from you. I want to go back into your history and call
myself to your attention and wipe the slate clean of all my mistakes. I do admit
that I have been selfish and hypocritical at times I just hope you know that all that Iv ever done, even pushing you so hard was only becaurse I wanted you to grow into yourself and you have, all too fast but I am glad to see that you are young but oh so ready for life!
Yeah, yeah, I hear you say ‘huh, what you talking now?????”.
I have such an urge to tell you of promises I made, as you slept below my heart
all those years ago. So very real and profound to me and so intense I’m sure I’d
weep if I even tried to tell you. You of course, would shift from one leg to the
other and endure my disclosure with discomfort and impatience.
Mini movies of first steps, first words and first everything else’s consume me.
Tooth fairies and Santa Clause and Easter bunnies. Little trophies, wall posters,
clay models and lego buildings.
I’m indulging myself, it’s my prerogative, but I have promised myself to keep it
all to myself. I want to reminisce, at a time when you have one foot out the door.
I’m going back to the baby and you are going forward to becoming a big boy now. You have
freedom, independence and adventure on your mind. I know you are ready;
capable, competent and smarter than I’ll ever be. Of-course just look at what you already doing now, with you I clearly believe that the sky is the limit for sure, you show me that each day , lindsay !!!!!!
My attitude shifts as I accept you don’t need any precautions, no more
moralizing; no more “You know what you should do…” You know who you are ! Indeed you do!
And even though I have represented myself as parent and teacher I see so clearly
that I have also been the pupil. I have learned so much from you, you have
played such a large part in moulding me into the person I am. You have taught
me well and I thank you.
Now, I’m compelled to tell you of all the things about you that fills me with pride
and awe. Another long list of what you have achieved, the person you are, your
character and integrity. I want to place wishes on you and insist that they all
become true for you. I want you to stand at the head of the table and have
everyone who ever knew you, come forward and pay tribute to you. But, you
would hate that too.
It’s never about what you have done or anything that you are capable of doing.
It’s only ever about who you are; the real value is in the fact that you exist.
No, you don’t need to be told who you are or what you are capable of. You don’
t judge yourself by such things and I don’t want you to do that either. You are
your own person and you are comfortable in your own skin, and at the end of
the day, that tells me that I have done well. That tells me, that you are ready for
the world and the world will be better for having you as a participant. Thats my Lindsay always the over achiever!
I really don’t need to tell you any of this - I even wonder now what impact any
of the words have ever had. I do believe that I have taught you by example, but
more than that, I think you have always known my heart.
When you leave today, I will light an imaginary candle and place it on the
window-sill. Think about it, if you wander into shadows or if you need to lighten
up. Let it always be your beacon.
And all in all, there are only two things left to say to you, “I am proud of you and
I love you boy boy.” Lindsay Jay , You are the best! I am so proud of you! Have a fantastic first day !
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